The Lie that keeps Wounded hearts bound

For many of us who carry trauma, perfectionism is not a virtue — it is a survival strategy. Somewhere along the way, we learned that love is conditional: earn it, perform for it, never let the mask slip. We hear Jesus say, “Be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect” (Matthew 5:48), and the old wound flares. Another impossible standard. Another reason to believe we are not enough.

But is this what Christ asks of us – a life of chasing an impossible standard and never-ending proof that we are worthy?

No. 
So what does “perfect” actually mean?

What perfect Really Means

The Greek word Jesus uses here is teleios, which means complete, whole, having become what you were made to be. It does not mean flawless or without mistake. When Jesus says, “Be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect” (Matthew 5:48), He is closing a teaching on loving enemies and showing mercy, even toward those who do not deserve it. Luke’s parallel passage makes the meaning even clearer: “Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful” (Luke 6:36).

The call, then, is not to live without flaw. It is to love completely – and to let ourselves be loved completely in return. 

As one Sister of Life writes, to “be perfect as your heavenly Father is perfect,” to become the person you were made to be, means allowing yourself to be loved utterly and completely by Him. This is holiness. This is what it means to be a saint. 

Excellence Is Not Perfectionism

According to our Catholic tradition, we are called to excellence, not perfectionism. The two can look similar on the surface, but they grow from very different roots.  

Excellence is the steady, grace-filled pursuit of becoming who God made you to be. It is responsive – listening for God’s voice, discerning your path, and bringing forth the unique gifts He has placed in you. 

Perfectionism is a counterfeit. It wears the mask of holiness while quietly exhausting the soul. It whispers that you are only as worthy as your latest performance, your latest act of getting it right.

Pope Francis, in his exhortation on holiness in the modern world, reminds us that the journey to holiness is not about copying an idealized image or living up to a rigid mold. It is about letting God bring out the best in who you are — in your concrete life, with your particular history, temperament, and limitations. Even the saints did not have perfect lives. They had faults and failings. Yet, in the midst of all that, they kept moving forward and were pleasing to the Lord.

Sanctity does not arise from flawless performance. It is born in small, daily acts: the kind word instead of the cutting remark, the tired mother sitting down to listen one more time, the survivor who chooses to tell the truth in a safe place. These are the quiet places where holiness grows.

You Were Loved Before You Did Anything

God’s love is not a reward for getting it right.

You are willed, wanted, chosen – not for usefulness or output, but simply because you are you. The Catechism says that each human person is “the only creature on earth that God has willed for its own sake” (CCC 356). You are not here by accident. You are here because you were desired.

This love is not theoretical. It is written into the Paschal Mystery, and displayed on the cross: “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” God’s plan for you, the Catechism teaches, is “one of benevolent love, prior to any merit on our part” (CCC 604). Long before you did anything worthy or unworthy, His love was already moving toward you.

Before the wound. Before the coping. Before the day you failed. Before you ever performed a single act of worth. You were already loved.

A Word for Survivors

Gentle Practices

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You are not called to flawlessness. You are called to wholeness. And you are loved at every step along the way.